In reality, it's January 1, 2012. The first day of a new year, and in a way, the start of a new life.
I shake my head to dispel foggy memories and the air clears. Who I am, the place in which I find myself, and the things that I am learning in this present time are so far beyond what I could have imagined for myself. This, this thing called "my life right now," was never part of my plan for my life, and months ago I would have surely scoffed at the thought that my plans could go so terribly awry. But God chose to answer my prayers at that time. Prayers to know God more deeply, to possess a greater love for Him and knowledge of His ways. He promises to hear our prayers, He just doesn't promise to answer them in the ways we want Him to. And while my prayers were answered in a way that I would never have chosen, and it was tempting to turn to Him in anger and question His judgment, I know enough of Him to realize that there's a bigger picture that has not yet been revealed to me. And although I can't see the full tapestry that is being woven by the hands of the Master Artist, I do realize His hand is at work, and recognize that my most recent heartaches were caused, not by a cruel God, by by a loving Father who saw me weaving my own pattern and tore out my stitches before I could do more harm to myself. It's a severe mercy, aptly described by Sheldon Vanauken, a friend of C.S. Lewis, as "a mercy as severe as death, a severity as merciful as love."
I learned these past few months that when God calls Me to Himself, it's not a intangible emotion of "belonging" to Him, of shallow prayers and occasional references to some ethereal Deity I profess to know. It's a powerful, dynamic relationship where a sovereign God takes over my entire being, demanding everything from me, and tearing away elements that are foreign to His holy nature. I have experienced what it is to be a sinner in the hands of an angry and living God. And to have Him treat me not as I deserve, but grant me a fierce saving grace that requires me to change my life in conformity to His will. And that's the essence of salvation by grace, not by works, but salvation by grace that works. Works within me to refine and redefine who I am.
Elisabeth Elliot, in her book Discipline: The Glad Surrender, addresses the much-neglected concept of Christian responsibility. Much of Christendom today professes a gospel stripped of its original power. Phrases such as "Jesus loves you," "As long as your heart is in the right place," and "God wants me to be happy" open the door to a lifestyle that is devoid of holiness and the fear of God. Elliot refutes the message that you need simply repeat the words to a prayer of salvation and ka-POW, puff of smoke, and your ticket to Heaven floats down from the skies and you can go off and live your life however you want. She states, "Discipline is the believer's answer to God's call. It is the recognition, not of the solution to his problems or the supply of his needs, but of mastery...The unwillingness on the part of men and women to acknowledge their helpless dependence is a violation of our 'creatureliness,' The unwillingness to be obedient is a violation of our humanity. Both are declarations of independence and, whether physical or moral, are essentially atheistic. In both, the answer to the call is no...Discipline is the wholehearted yes to the call of God. When I know myself called, summoned, addressed, taken possession of, known, acted upon, I have heard the Master. I put myself gladly, fully, and forever at His disposal, and to whatever He says my answer is yes. "[15-16]
This past year was a year of me chasing my dreams and seizing opportunities that came my way. Looking back, I have many happy memories, but little of lasting value. In essence, I squandered my time, a precious gift from God, on things of this earth. I have learned some difficult lessons as a result of my empty pursuits, one of which is that a relationship with God is not something that you inherit, or receive by diffusion because you go to a great church or have a great family or are a generally all-around great person. Me being a nice person, a Sunday School teacher, or a persuasive evangelist has no influence on my salvation or whether or not I will spend eternity with God. The Bible makes it clear in Matthew 7:21-23 that there will be many claiming Christ as their Lord who face Him on the Day of Judgment and cry out "Lord, Lord," saying that they performed miracles and prophesied and cast out demons, and yet, what will the Lord say? Not "Great job, I'm so proud of you, you wonderful amazing person, enter in and receive your reward." On the contrary, Scripture makes it clear that these men and women will be turned away, as Christ says, "I never knew you." That's frightening to me. That's what has driven me to my knees in repentance, praying for another chance to live my life not according to man's definition of godliness, but according to the Bible's. Following in the footsteps of Christ and Christ alone.
And so this next year will be a year of learning what it means to walk as a child of God, a much humbled woman seeking what it means to be holy. I feel as though I'm starting from the very beginning, where even the "colloquial" John 3:16 has taken on a whole new meaning for me. There is a passage that several years ago I claimed as my "life's cry," and yet strove to fulfill in my own strength and ability. This coming year, I am committing to seek the strength of the Lord to make this a reality in my life, not by my strength, but by the power of God working in my heart.
“I’m part of the fellowship of the unashamed,
the die has been cast, I have stepped over the line,
the decision has been made:
I’m a disciple of Jesus Christ.
I won’t look back, let up, slow down,
back away or be still.
My past is redeemed,
my present makes sense,
my future is secure.
I’m finished and done with low living, sight walking,
smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed vision,
worldly talking, cheap giving & dwarfed goals.
My face is set, my gait is fast,
my goal is heaven, my road is narrow,
my way is rough, my companions are few,
my guide is reliable, my mission is clear.
I won’t give up, shut up, let up
until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up
for the cause of Jesus Christ.
I must go till He comes, give till I drop,
preach till everyone knows, work till He stops me
and when He comes for His own,
He will have no trouble recognizing me
because my banner will have been clear.”
(http://wayofthemaster.com/confession.shtml)
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