In the "Secret Church" series, Dr. David Platt talks of a seminary in Indonesia, where the requirements for graduation include planting a church--with at least 30 newly-baptized believers--in a Muslim community. 2 students lost their lives in one year as they tried to fulfill this goal.

I've heard a lot of talk recently about living "radically" for Christ and being "bold in the faith," but hearing stories like this completely upsets my neat little idealized Christianity package. Here I am, on summer break, and my biggest stresses are training for a race, getting my room clean, and trying to spend more time studying the Bible. And then I am reminded that there are men and women all over the world who are dying, literally dying, in order that even one person might come to know Christ. That is a boldness of faith that I am severely lacking in, and it's a humbling reminder that there's no "comfort zone" in this life God's called me to.

But if His grace is enough (it is!) then I just need to pursue Him in faith and allow Him to shape my heart and guide my soul into His ways.

Psalm 37: 3-6

Trust in the Lord and do good;

Dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Take delight in the Lord,

and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;

Trust in Him and He will do this:

He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,

Your vindication like the noonday sun.

The philosopher George Santayana, in Reason in Common Sense, said that "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." It takes a certain kind of foresight to see that any forward progress requires knowledge gained from turning back.

For my sixteenth birthday (wow, that seems like such a long time ago...), the mother of a friend of mine gave me a beautiful little fabric-bound journal. It was almost too pretty to write in, but I determined that year that I would start journaling. Historically speaking, it was a venture doomed to fail. I had tried on and off to journal, but between the business of life and the annoyance of little siblings finding my diaries and reading them, I had more or less given up. But my best friend had been a faithful diary-writer growing up, even bringing her spiral bound notebooks to sleepovers to chronicle our bleary-eyed 2 a.m shenanigans, so I figured if she could do it, I could, and it was worth another shot. If anything, I felt like turning sixteen was a mile marker, and I wanted to try and document the subsequent coming-of-age years. 

I have since filled up 5 or 6 notebooks and journals with the events, thoughts, joys, trials, spiritual revelations, and heartbreaks that have accompanied me these past seven years. And every year or so I try to go back through some of my old journals to see how I've changed, or not changed, since that time. A couple of days ago, I read through my most recent journal, even though I still have a quarter of the pages to fill. Since I just finished my spring semester at school, and I've had a significant amount of life-changing events in the past year, I felt like it was time to go back and reflect some. I've spent a lot of time these past six months just pushing forward, making it through the demands of life, looking forward. It was definitely time to dwell a bit on the past.

My current journal spans over two years, and while many of the actual events recorded are hazy memories, the very first entry I distinctly remember writing. I was sitting on the bed in my grandmother's guest room on a Sunday evening, after wrestling with convictions, concerns, worries, and uncertainties about my future. And that was the point, on January 17th, 2012, when my relationship with the Lord became markedly different as I caught a glimpse of His glory--the Image I am supposed to reflect in my daily walk--and realized that I will never achieve even the most minute fraction of that holiness. 

And instead of that casting me into a dark hole of depression and hopelessness, it was that knowledge, the fact that I cannot and will not ever be good enough for God, that gave me hope and brought me joy.  "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Rom. 3:23). Because it was in my current state that Christ sought me, captured my heart, and desired me for Himself. It was in my brokenness and pride and filthiness that He shed His blood for me. There was nothing good about me, nothing worthy of praise or honor, nothing in me worthy of anything but death. But there was God. God chose me. He wanted me. 

How amazing is that? 

Reading my journal entries from early 2010--my thoughts at that time, old sermon notes, scriptures that spoke to me--I found comfort and solace in the past. I took courage in His promise to never leave or forsake me, and saw a pattern of His faithfulness in my life, even in my unfaithfulness. I was reminded afresh of the glory of my calling, and the beauty of His grace. 

I was also reminded that the Christian's walk is filled with ups and down, highs and lows. It's like when you're biking. At least where I live. After coasting down a long hill, the wind whistling by as you soar to a gentle coast at the bottom, you stop and take in a deep breath, adrenaline high. And then, you realize...you've gotta climb back up. The easy way down, no matter how long or fast, is most certainly followed by an uphill climb. But think about it. Where will you grow more? Coasting downhill, your feet stilled on the pedals because your legs can't pump as fast as the wheels are spinning? Or cranking your gears uphill, your entire body thrown into trying to move uphill? 

I feel refreshed now. Encouraged. Inspired. 

And my heart echoes a prayer I wrote down at the end of January:

Lord, You've brought me through another another month of my life, despite the migraines, bumps and bruises, and the times that I've sinned against You and not been a reflection of your glory. Thank you fo ryour grace and forgiveness, Your mercy and Your love. May this upcoming month be a season of growth, both spiritual and emotional, and may I leave...with an even greater love and knowledge of you. In Jesus' name, Amen. 

Walking through a shaded path near the Atlantic coast, the Spanish moss hanging from ancient oaks casting lingering shadows on the dirt trail, I find myself slipping into romantic reverie as the last vestiges of the Southern sun trace orange and pink designs on the dimming horizon. We pass by a glistening lake, it's surface softly reflecting the foliage above it. There's something about the South that I always find alluring...its rich history, perhaps, or maybe the hospitality of the people who live here, greeting you with their slow drawling accent...or maybe it's because here you can get really really really good sweet tea. Whatever it is, I like it. It's comfortable, peaceful even, especially with the distant sound of the waves crashing onto the sandy shore.

Two hours later, peaceful thoughts are dashed from my mind as all nine of us stumble through the darkness trying to find our way back home. Our beach house is nestled within in a maze of paths and forested area, and right now, it seems like we're stuck mostly in forest. I try to scan the pine-needle blanketed floor for any signs of snakes, alligators, or cobras (they have those here, right?) The tall trees, so warm and secure before, now loom over us, blocking what little moonlight there is. I manage a wry smile as we pass a "Please Do Not Feed the Alligators" sign. Wouldn't that be an exciting way to end our vacation...swallowed whole by a congregation of hungry reptiles. We finally make our way to a construction zone by a water tower, which we recognize as being close to our house. After scuttling under a tall fence (all the while expecting sirens to go off and angry LEOs taking us all away to jail for trespassing), we hurry past the fire department and police station and breathe sigh of relief at the sight of our condo ahead.

Just another typical day. The mishaps and mischances that seem to characterize my life keep me humble, I suppose, and make for good "Do you remember that one time..." stories.

I flex my wrist gingerly, case in point. It's been four days and it still hurts, but I don't think it's broken. More likely a bad sprain. But who knows. As long as I keep it wrapped with Self-Grip it seems to be okay. Two days of mountain biking in Virginia last week left me looking (and feeling) like I lost an MMA fight. It wasn't even the jumps that I got hurt on...I lost my balance crossing a bridge and then just plain lost control another time. But otherwise I had fun!

It's good to be away, on a different schedule, in a different environment. A gentle adjustment to summer life. It's always hard for me coming off of a hard semester, where things are ordered and rigid and always stressful and demanding, to the summer, where there's usually no schedule, little order, but still projects to do and things to accomplish.

It's been a little over two weeks since I had my last final and I am finally ready to say...Hello Summer!!!

It's Sunday

Well, technically, it's Monday, but bear with me...

Our pastor played this video yesterday before his Easter message. And it hit me, as I watched the images before my eyes, that it wasn't always Sunday. There was a Friday too. And it must have been the longest weekend of the disciples' lives. Their Lord, crucified and buried. Where was their hope? Where was their joy? Where was the promised Messiah? The Lamb of God to take away the sins of the world?

I've been trying to put myself in the place of the disciples that Friday. Would I have trusted His Message? Remembered His words concerning His glorious return? And as much as I want to claim, as Peter did, that I would never disown my Lord, a part of me fears that I too would have run away from Christ that night in the garden. And the incredible part of that is, even when his closest friends, his very brothers, fell away, Christ still loved them and took their sins upon Himself. Not only their sins, but mine also.

And then, praise God, came Sunday. The Resurrection. Hope. Rejoicing. A promise fulfilled. The shout of a thousand voices singing

Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with him again
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave

Oh death! Where is your sting?
Oh hell! Where is your victory?
Oh Church! Come stand in the light!
The glory of God has defeated the night!

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with him again
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave

Rise up from the grave...

(Matt Maher)

It was Friday, but Sunday has come, and its promise remains and rings true for every man and woman and child. There are those who only know Friday...and they will never know otherwise unless someone tells them about Sunday.

10,000 Reasons for My Heart to Sing

This past Friday, I was tired. Really really tired. It had been a long week, and I wasn't going to have any time over the weekend to do my homework. Which means I was getting a little teensy-weensie bit, well, grumpy. I was home with the kids, and when I was trying to put the girls to bed, they all decided that they were hungry--again!--and they didn't want leftovers, and they didn't want apple slices, and they didn't want toast...they wanted hummus on a corn tortilla with melted cheese and a slice of ham. So I went to pull the hummus out of the fridge and the container slipped out of my hands and hummus fell all over the freshly-mopped floor. And I (almost) lost it. I was exhausted, overwhelmed thinking about all I needed to do. Saturday morning at 6 am I was carpooling a Suburban full of guys (and me) and their guns for an Airsoft event two hours away and I was behind in my reading for my lectures and I had two projects due and *sob* I just splattered hummus all over the floor. It was really time for me to throw a pity party for myself.

But of course, if I did that I wouldn't learn anything, now would I?

One thing that our pastor has been focusing on the past couple of weeks is the importance of hiding God's word in our hearts. For me, that involves not only spending time in the Word, but also keeping my mind focused on things of God. It's just so easy for me to slip out of my God-centered mindset, so the more time I spend with Him, the better. Go figure :) It's not rocket science...if you want to know God, you need to spend time with Him.

So anyhow, as the container of hummus flew from my hands, like a slow-motion action shot (I'm pretty sure I tried to stop it from falling, a "NoooooOOOOooooo!" of dismay escaping my mouth), my gut reaction was to allow my frustration to spill out. Sharp words. Angry tone. But before I reacted, my spirit was checked by a fountain of truth spilling over me.

Be still and know that I am God.

Be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

Momentary light affliction.

All things work together for the good of those who love God.

Peace, be still.

Blessed are the meek.

I AM that I AM.

God of All.

The LORD is my Shepherd, I shall not want.

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you.

And I felt the tension diffusing from me, like a big balloon deflating, coming down from its elevated height and settling in a crumpled heap on the ground. What an incredible perspective it is to look at your life through the lens of God's grace. There's no other way to pass through trials and storms. "For neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Rom. 8:38-39). NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING, can separate me from my Jesus. Grasping even the slightest hint of this truth, with the knowledge of who I once was, and who God has destined me to be, and the absolute dichotomy of the two, makes even the biggest container of dropped hummus utterly irrelevant. 

The old hymn "Count Your Blessings" may not be on the Billboard Top 100, but I guarantee it has a deeper message than any pop song. When I truly count my blessings, listing all that God has done for me in my life, there is simply no way that I can feel sorry for myself. I am a child of God. There's only glory at the feet of Christ. Knowing that nothing will cross my path that I cannot overcome because the Lord is mine, and I am His, is an incredible comfort. Because I know that bigger things than a spilled container of hummus will come my way. Bigger things have already come my way. It just happened that the hummus was all I could handle Friday night.

Matt Redman's "10,000 Reasons" is my song of the week, and my soul is truly worshipping at the thought of every reason I have to praise. From the sunrise this morning to "whatever lies before me" I want to have His praise on my lips. And let me be singing when the evening comes. 

Afflictions Eclipsed By Glory

He is jealous for me

Loves like a hurricane

I am a tree

Bending beneath

The weight of His wind and mercy

When all of a sudden

I am unaware of these

Afflictions eclipsed by Glory

And I realize how beautiful You are

And how great Your afflictions for me

I've had this song playing in my head all week...driving to school, working out, lying in bed...I feel like I'm at such a critical point in my life right now, where the Lord is drawing me to Himself with such an intensity, requiring me to abandon, literally cast aside, myself in the light of His all-surpassing greatness (Philippian 3:7-11). What an incredible image...our afflictions, eclipsed by His glory. It's like waking up and seeing the most beautiful sunrise ever, and multiplying that by a million. A glory too terrifying to behold, too bright for our human eyes to gaze upon, too perfect to grasp. A Glory that was nailed to a cross, mocked and broken, all so that I could have a relationship with the Father.

Wow.

Suddenly all of my life plans, or lack thereof--my worries about whether or not I'll have a job after I graduate, if I'll ever get married, WHO I'm going to marry, what I'll be doing ten years from now, God-I'm-so-tired-of-where-You-have-me-in-life-right-now-can-I-please-just-run-away-to-Belize-and-start-an-orphanage-there? prayers--seem so incredibly silly when I think about the magnitude of this love that Christ has for me. So Lord, I thank You for EXACTLY where You have me right now. For each and every trial that drives me to my knees and brings me closer to You. For every heartbreak that reminds me that this is not my home, not my final destination. For Your blood that was shed, for the Life I now have in You. May my life be eclipsed by Your glory, so that You are all that can be seen when others look at my life.

Gratefulness, Joy, and a Blind Beggar's Request

A bird does not sing because it has an answer

It sings because it has a song

(Chinese Proverb)

Today's sermon was on blind Bartimaeus (Luke 18:35-43), and how he waited each day by the road, begging for his existence, waiting for something to change, something to happen. He had heard about this Jesus, how He healed the sick, restored the cripples, and gave sight to the blind. And here He was, walking down the road, surrounded by a multitude clamoring for His touch, His words. Crying out, Bartimaeus tried to get Jesus' attention, but the crowd hushed him, and told him to be quiet. Yet above the tumult, Jesus heard the cry of the blind beggar and summoned him to Himself. "What do you want Me to do for you," Jesus asked. Bartimaeus responded with a single request: that he might see. "Receive your sight," the Lord cried out, "Your faith has made you well."

Can you imagine living your life, alone, blind, penniless, crawling the streets every day begging for a crust of bread to gnaw on or a drink of water to quench your thirst? And every day you go to bed on a stone stoop or under a bridge, still hungry, thirsty, and alone. You can't see the sun rise in the morning, you don't know what it looks like after a rainfall when droplets of water are still cascading off of flower petals, and you can't appreciate the change of seasons, when the luscious green of summer changes into autumn hues. You are in darkness.

But one day, you hear people talking about a Man who can take away your blindness, Who can heal your hurts, Who can comfort your soul. Every day you pray that this Man will come and rescue you from yourself. And every day you wait and listen for the sound of His coming. Scripture says that after he received his sight, Bartimaeus "began glorifying Him, glorifying God; and when all the people saw it, they gave praise to God" (verse 43). 

Like Bartimaeus, I too was once lost, blind, poor, and wretched. Without hope, and helpless on my own. But by the grace of God, he restored my sight, and gave me the gift of hope--an eternal life with Him in glory. Yet so often I forget the mystery of His mercy. Take for granted each breath that comes from Him. The lesson of a blind beggar waiting for God's miraculous touch is a reminder to me of my own spiritual regeneration. 

It's an inspiration for me, as well as a challenge, to live each day in the shadow of His grace, letting His light radiate from me. In a world full of selfishness and pride, qualities such as joy, peace, gentleness, and patience are becoming increasingly rare. Tomorrow, (as I take an exam I'm not prepared for and try and finish projects long overdue), I want to be defined by a song of joy, not a voice of complaining. 

Like the proverbial bird, I sing not because I have the answers; I sing because I know Who does. And that's something worth singing about. 

Why Not Me?

Last Thursday I received a text from my school's emergency alert system: 

Pitt ENS Alert: 

Active shooter has been identified at Western Psychiatric Institute. 

Lockdown recommended until further notice.

Along with thousands of others, I followed the news, shocked and horrified, as more details emerged. The randomness, the senselessness...a life cut short. And echoing through my mind was "This could have been me." There's no reason why this couldn't have happened on a different day, when I would have been there. There's no reason why I shouldn't have been in that lobby at the same time as the shooter. Obviously, there is a Reason, I know, but it's just one more reminder of how NOT in control I am of my life. Every day, every breath, every heartbeat, is ordained by God. 

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?...But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6: 25-27, 33-34)

My prayers continue to go out to the family of Michael Schaab, as well as to the other families and victims involved.

The Law of Undulation

My Dear Wormwood,
...Has no one ever told you about the Law of Undulation?...Humans are amphibians--half spirit and half animal. (The Enemy's determination to produce such a revolting hybrid was one of the things that determined Our Father to withdraw his support from Him.) As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time. This means that while their spirit can be directed to an eternal object, their bodies, passions, and imaginations are in continual change, for as to be in time means to change. Their nearest approach to constancy, therefore, is undulation--the repeated return to a level from which they repeatedly fall back, a series of troughs and peaks. If you had watched your patient carefully you would have seen this undulation in every department of his life--his interest in his work, his affection for his friends, his physical appetites, all go up and down. As long as he lives on earth periods of emotional and bodily richness and liveliness will alternate with periods of numbness and poverty. The dryness and dullness through which your patient is now going are not, as you fondly suppose, your workmanship; they are merely a natural phenomenon which will do us no good unless you make a good use of it.
To decide what the best use of it is, you must ask what use the Enemy wants to make of it, and then do the opposite. Now it may surprise you to learn that in His efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs even more than on the peaks; some of His special favourites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else. The reason is this. To us a human is primarily food; our aim is the absorption of its will into ours, the increase of our own area of selfhood at its expense. But the obedience which the Enemy demands of men is quite a different thing. One must face the fact that all the talk about His love for men, and His service being perfect freedom, is not (as one would gladly believe) mere propaganda, but an appalling truth. He really does want to fill the universe with a lot of loathsome little replicas of Himself--creatures whose life, on its miniature scale, will be qualitatively like His own, not because he has absorbed them but because their wills freely conform to His. We want cattle who can finally become food; He wants servants who can finally become sons. We want to suck in, He wants to give out. We are empty and would be filled; He is full and flows over. Our war aim is a world in which Our Father Below has drawn all other beings into himself: the Enemy wants a world full of beings united to Him but still distinct (C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters, Chapter 8).

We see this Law at work all around us. Our converted spirits long to commune with God, and yet our bodies are mortal, and therefore predisposed to change. The glorious times "on the mountain" are followed by times "in the valley" where the clouds of life hang over us and dim our eyes. And it is in these times of darkness and confusion when the enemy of our souls, aided by Screwtape-like spirits, casts his web of deception. We question His motives...a loving God wouldn't cause us pain, would He? A loving God couldn't stand by and watch me suffer like this, could He? And without understanding the true nature of the Father, we recreate Him to be something He is not. And if we don't know God, how can we grow in His image? That, after all, is the goal, is it not? To glorify God and to be renewed and remade into the image of His Son.
Part of knowing God, however, includes this element of reconciling the pain and sorrow of this life with the good God Who allows these things to be. I know I will never be able to grasp the fullness of Him; I will never wrap my mind around Who He is. But I know that Life is in His hands...not a petal falls from a wilting flower without His eyes seeing it. For me, that is enough to give me peace to sleep at nights. To know that God is in control, regardless of the chaos and randomness that my human eyes perceive.
The Law of Undulation states that change is a part of life; troughs and peaks are a natural process that, when surrendered to, can yield wonderful fruit. But one element never changes..."Yesterday, today, and forever Jesus is the same. All may change but Jesus never, glory to His name."

Idon'tknowwhyIhavesuchaproblemwithrelaxing

butIreallyneedtotakeabreakeveryonceinawhile!

We're finally in Florida after driving straight through the night, I'm settling in *yawn*, and I'm determined to NOT stress myself out with my "Things I Need to Get Done on Break" list.

God's timing never ceases to amaze me...my sister, my best friend, and I had planned to visit my grandparents over Spring Break, but our vacation became a trip of necessity after my grandfather was hit by a car while riding his bike a couple weeks ago. I'm so grateful that I have this week off so we can help my grandparents out (and squeeze in some sun time too!). As devastating as this accident has been, the Lord's hand is evident in my Pap's life, and it's just another reminder that all of our days are numbered. Kissing my grandfather on the cheek this evening was a moment that I won't take for granted again.

The last couple weeks have been a very real reminder of this fact. Freak accidents and "wrong-place-wrong-time" events have left me feeling very small and vulnerable...and very, very aware of how Great He is. My own arrogance amazes me at times...how I can walk through my life as if it's my own, as if who I am is a result of my own strength. I'm driven to my knees daily, crying out for His grace and mercy, that He would not treat me as I deserve. Truly, "how great You are, how small I am, how awesome is Your mighty hand..."

Lessons Learned from the Far Side

I love this. No matter how many times I see it, it still makes me laugh. I think Laron's Far Side appeals to my inner cheery pessimist, who finds that life's more depressing realities can be a source of humor as well. And perhaps in his art I see reflections of myself at times. Like the poor chap...pushing as hard as he can on the door that clearly says "PULL"...I've done it too, more times than I'd care to admit! And of course, there are the times when I step on the elevator and wonder why it's not moving...until I realize I've forgotten to push the button. 

And then of course, we have the rebel livestock:

"Wait! Wait! We don't have to be just sheep!"

There are so many times that I've just gone day after day after day doing the same thing, following the same routine, because, well, it's just what I do! One of the most beneficial lessons I've learned over the past year or so is to question myself every once in a while. Not enough to be obnoxious, but enough to shake up my comfy pattern of life and see where I can change or improve things. 

And the Vikings always have good things to say. 

Typically, if there's a problem with the end result of an effort, it's because something went wrong along the way. It's not brain surgery or anything...For goodness sake, be the one to step up and take care of it! Maybe take a break from looking so far ahead that you lose sight of what's right around you. Having a higher vision, one where you're willing to do something because something should be done, takes courage and determination. You have to challenge today's cultural influences of "not in my backyard" and "how's that going to benefit ME?" and "it's not going to make a difference anyway."

Really, all this to say, take a break every once in a while and laugh over a Far Side moment. Unless, of course, you're someone who doesn't get Larson's humor, in which case looking at his comics will probably result in confusion, frustration, and hurling the book across the room in disgust. In that case, I'd suggest a bowl of ice cream as an alternative. Does wonders for me!

When Things Just Aren't Fair

I recently had a situation that made me pretty mad (and it takes a LOT to make me mad). My opinion: It wasn't fair. People got away with something that could have been easily handled if another person had been willing to step up and say something. I immediately thought of Edmund Burke's "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing" quote. Why can't people just do what is right? I'm talking about basic, societally-accepted behavior. Seriously people, just tell the truth, don't make stuff up to cover a mistake you made, and act like an adult. To make matters worse, my hands were tied in this particular situation, and there was virtually nothing I could do. Oh man, it made my blood boil. I went right to Scripture with the intention of justifying my "righteous indignation." But I paused for a moment and took the time to evaluate my intentions. I felt wronged, and wanted to use the Bible to confirm that my "wrongers" were truly in error, and I had every right to fight for truth. I listened to what I was saying and laughed at my immaturity. Okay, reality check. Stuff happens, and if I were to be honest, I'd have to admit that I've been blessed to not have as much go wrong as I actually deserve.

So, after I gave myself time to simmer down, I went back to the Word to see how I should handle situations like this. Specifically, when someone spreads a lie about you, and you personally can't speak the truth without causing MORE of an uproar, what is a Christian to do?

Truth is so important. Jesus said "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through Me" (John 14:6). God Almighty leads us in truth, and His Truth prevails: "Make me known Thy ways, O Lord; teach me Thy paths. Lead me in Thy truth and teach me, for Thou art the God of my salvation; for Thee I wait all the day" (Psalm 25:4-5), "All the paths of the Lord are lovingkindness and truth to those who keep His covenant and His testimonies" (Psalm 25:10), "Therefore, listen to me, you men of understanding. Far be it from God to do wickedness, and from the Almighty to do wrong...Surely God will not act wickedly, and the Almighty will not pervert justice" (Job 34:10, 12). The Bible is replete with verses about truth, justice, and the pursuit of such things. So naturally, as a Christian, I should be concerned with the spread of untruths, correct? Of course! But it's how I respond that is the issue.

My situation: I was accused, I couldn't defend myself, someone else had the opportunity to speak up and didn't, and evil wins. Or not...

I immediately thought of Christ's example of perfect submission in John 18. Suddenly, my situation felt trite. Here is Jesus Himself, Who possessed (and possesses!) all power over heaven and earth, stripped of his dignity and reviled before men, abandoned by his closest friends, and accused of crimes he did not commit. If I were in His place, with His power, I in my humanness would have called down fire from Heaven to consume the high priests and taken care of them right then and there. But no, God in His mercy had a greater plan for mankind, and Jesus suffered unimaginably to bring to me the promise of eternal life with Him. Because of His sacrifice, I can know God. I have His Word at my fingertips, and direct communication with the Almighty because I am covered with the blood of Christ. Think about that for a moment. That should do something to you. Do you even know all the He's done for you? I recently heard something that changed how I think about the crucifixion. Jesus' sacrifice wasn't notable because He died on a cross. Yes, crucifixion was brutal and excruciating (the word itself was created to describe the pain "of the cross" since there was previously no word to describe the experience), but thousands of people were crucified by the Romans. Crucifixion wasn't the sacrifice. His taking on the sins of the world was the true sacrifice. Beginning what that means will completely change how you understand Christ and the meaning of grace. And that will be a subject for another post on another day.

So back to my situation.

I can't be surprised when people say things about me that aren't true. After all, suffering, tribulation, testing, persecution are all hallmarks of discipleship. But I can rest on the confidence that my character is established and my conscience is clear before God, and anyone who wants to know the truth of the matter can seek it for themselves. And I feel sorry, not for myself, but for the person who started this all. I don't know why they did what they did, but I hope that they can get a handle on whatever is going on within them.

Me, I'm happy to have grown a little bit more, learned a little bit more, and taken another little baby step on the narrow way. I feel like I've wasted so much time regressing that any progress at all is amazing to see!

May the Lord bless you on your journey as well.

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you" (Matthew 6:33).

Back to Belize

I've gotten too busy again. Classes, clinical, homework, meetings, writing, applying for internships and scholarships, studying, home responsibilities, teaching, work, research projects...why do I do this to myself?
I miss Belize. I want to go back. The laid back atmosphere, a stark contrast to the fast-paced American lifestyle. And yet we managed to accomplish so much!
I need to find a way to mentally pull myself out of the fray and just stop. Take a moment to pray, think, breathe.

Why Do I Believe? Part II

So, to continue where I left off in an older post, I never got around to answering my question (posed by myself to myself), why do I believe what I believe? Specifically, the Bible? Why do I believe it's true? What makes it so special to me? And why should anyone else believe it? Is it something I just need to take in faith and because someone in authority over me told me that it's true?

C.S. Lewis, in his essay "Is Theology Poetry," said "I believe in Christianity as I believe the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else." Likewise, my reason for my belief is due to seeing It, and also because of It, having the ability to comprehend the world around me.

And what is "It"? The Bible, my faith, my daily walk. It is the core of my being, that internal plumb line that holds me to account for every thought, action, and spoken word.

Interestingly, today's sermon was on the sufficiency of Scripture, and it couldn't have been more timely. There is a smorgasbord of reasons scholars cite for the validity of the Bible (Focus on the Family provides a pretty good overview here). But for me personally, if I claim Christ as my Lord, and He is the Son of God, the best way for me to know Him is through the Word. And if even one passage of Scripture is errant, then the whole Bible must be tossed out as a work of fiction. For those who say they use the Bible as a guidebook for how to live a "good" life, but do not accept it as inerrant and all-sufficient, which Scriptures do you toss out? Once again, man becomes his own judge as to what is right or wrong, and the Bible is not the ultimate authority. The Bible is either true in its entirety, or merely a collection of moral suggestions that I can follow on a whim if I agree with them. And time and time again, the Bible has proved true in my life. It applies to economics, politics, and societal issues of today. It is dynamic. "For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account" (Hebrews 4:12-13).

Note well though (THIS IS REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT!!!), that there are those who claim that we need nothing but the Bible to live a successful life, as it is all-sufficient. That we have no need for preachers and the modern church gathering. That there is no value in studying the works of Calvin or Luther or St. Augustine. This is not what is meant by the sufficiency of Scripture. For goodness sake, "all Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness," (II Timothy 3:16) and you have to preach and teach the Word in order to fulfill that verse! Those who claim that they only need the Bible  and that's it are using an argument rooted in the belief of the autonomy of men. Which is unbiblical. The Word commands us to not neglect the brethren, to receive correction, to encourage each other in the Word, and to seek understanding of passages in the Bible that we do not understand. Without recent teachings of godly men, I would not have been challenged to return to Scripture and test what I know!

But never is it permissible to add to Scripture by declaring the teachings of men as binding on another man's conscience. That's the sufficiency of Scripture. It's complete, finished, and written. There are not new truths about God to be "discovered" by some self-proclaimed anointed man (Matthew 15:8-9, Mark 7:6-8, Galatians 1:6-8, 10, II Timothy 2:15) and there are not parts of Scripture that are rendered irrelevant by changes in society. The Bible speaks strongly against this in Deuteronomy 4:2, 12:32, Proverbs 30:5-6, Galatians 1:9-10, II Corinthians 11:4, and Revelation 22:18-19. There is not a hierarchy  among men on earth, where one man is viewed more highly than another because of the Lord's revelations to him. Even Paul, the Paul of the New Testament who was selected by God to be an apostle and messenger of the Word, and who clearly received divine revelations that were to be included in the Bible, condemned this sinful thinking, even though he was clearly a man of incredible spirituality, if you will (Corinthians 3:6-9). Paul makes it clear the God is the one who causes growth, and man is nothing, and most certainly no man is more "spiritual" than another.

For those who doubt, I would challenge you to try living your life according to the Bible. Examine today's teachings about Christianity, and challenge what you are told about the Christian walk. Read what the Bible says about how men are to live their lives and why we are commanded to live that way, study what Christ says about the Law and consequently grace, and realize that in your ultimate decision, you must either accept the whole Word as true, or none of it. There is no middle ground.

A Good Day

Went to my five youngest siblings' swim meet this morning and cheered them on (my youngest sister's valiant attempts at the butterfly stroke were precious), then took advantage of the mild weather to go mountain biking with my dad, and for the first time that I can remember, came home without a major injury. Muddy and exhausted, but not broken! (Which reminds me that my two broken toes aren't completely healed from trying to do a backflip off of my door frame last week...I should probably tape them up again...)

The rest of the night was spent watching Dolphin Tale (GOOD movie! One of the few that I can actually recommend as family-friendly), making popcorn, watching my brother distend his mouth in an unhumanly large "O" shape as my mom tossed him Trader Joes Scottie Licorice Dogs from across the room, and telling each other funny stories until late into the night.

The older I become, the more I realize what a privilege it is to have the family that I do. We're all crazy, and have our own quirks and issues, but we love each other deeply, and my parents' commitment to build a household of faith has kept us together over the years. By God's grace of course. So many of my friends have siblings that they don't talk to because they can't stand each other, and parents who are separated or divorced. Sitting with both of my parents and the oldest three of my siblings tonight, I offered a quick prayer of thanks to the Lord for this life He's given me. I'm not denying that there are times when I want to scream at the top of my lungs because of something that's driving me crazy at the moment, but no matter how irritated I am or how fed up I am with this or that, I know that I still wouldn't trade my family for any other. I know few other people who can say that they've had the opportunities that I have: helping my little sister with her phonics lesson, teaching another sister how to sew, playing airsoft with my brothers (and enjoying it!), reading stories and saying prayers with the three youngest, and remembering when each of my siblings was born. And changing their diapers. And feeding them. And rocking them to sleep. Those are just some of my memories over the years.

I'm falling asleep tonight feeling very lucky, knowing that "luck" really has nothing to do with it at all. It's all been by design. And that's amazing to me.

Why Do I Believe? Part I

A couple nights ago, I was lying in bed, fidgeting and sleepless, thinking over a recent conversation I had. The individual I was talking with was challenging my beliefs on Scriptural authority and the assurance of salvation, while I in turn was challenging her arguments that the world is constantly improving due to the efforts of mankind, there isn't necessarily a life after death, and we are currently living in a heaven of our own design.

I was upset after the conversation, not because I felt like I wasn't able to debate articulately, but because I felt like without some common ground, we were arguing semantics. When she said "good" it meant one thing to her, and when I said "good" it meant something else to me. There was no point of reference as to what her beliefs were (she did make a reference to her college philosophy professor), and although my source was the Bible, she didn't believe that the Bible was true, which threw out my arguments. I was frustrated internally, she probably felt like I was intolerant and narrow-minded, and, the interesting part...both she and I are professing Christians.

It was my first experience with someone who says they are a Christian, but doesn't believe the Bible. I knew in my mind that many, many people have rejected Scripture as God's Word and an authority in their lives, but I had never personally experienced a conversation/debate on the topic.

So back to my sleepless night. I was lying awake asking myself, Why do I believe the Bible is true? My alter ego and I wrestled back and forth with the question.

Alter ego: What makes the Bible so special? Why do you believe it's true?

Me: Because it's the Word of God?


Alter ego: Say's who?

Me: Well, God, and Jesus, and the Holy Spirit...and, everyone


Alter ego: No way, lot's of people don't believe it's true.

Me: Well, I believe it's true because Christianity is founded on beliefs supported by the Bible


Alter ego: But there are lots of people who are really nice and do really good things and say they are Christians but don't believe the Bible is to be taken literally, and after all, you can't really know God can you?

Me: If you don't believe the Bible is 100% true, then you might as well throw the entire thing out, but if you say you're a Christian, then that means you're claiming to follow Christ, and in order to follow Christ you need to know about him, and in order to know about Him you need to read the Bible. And in the Bible, Jesus says that He came to fulfill Scripture.


Alter ego: Yeah, but back to my first question, why do YOU believe that the Bible is true, and none of that "Because it's true" stuff. Really, why?

Me: Okay, okay, I obviously need to do some thinking and studying and praying, but can I do it tomorrow? I'm tired!


Alter ego: That's fine, thanks for talking!

Me: Always a pleasure *Despairing sigh*


My personality tends to be rather accepting. So when someone I trust tells me something, and it "feels" right, I usually accept it as true. That is a good attitude in some cases, and a very dangerous one in other situations. In recent months and years, I've gotten much better at being skeptical, but there's still that underlying thought in my mind that "I believe what I believe because I believe it's true."

Raised in a Christian home all my life, there was never any argument that the Bible was true, my parents were to be obeyed whether I thought they were right or wrong, and Jesus came to save me from my sins and give me eternal life. End of story.

But then I began encountering people who challenged my beliefs, who asked valid questions, made convincing arguments. That's when I began examining my convictions, and realized that I was doing some things just because in my mind they were the "right" things to do. The problem with that kind of reasoning is that the moment your mind changes on that subject, your "convictions" really aren't convictions any more, and your principles shift in a different direction.

I learned the hard way that living a certain lifestyle because it's the "right" way to live is not a good reason at all. "Right" and "wrong" are completely subjective in today's society. My standards and practices need to be based on the Bible.

So back to my original question, why do I believe that the Bible is true?

Reflections on Another Year Past...and a New Year Ahead

In my mind, I'm floundering somewhere in mid-October 2011, my world a myriad of shapes and shadows. A sort of empty dream-catching where once seized, the dream crumbles in your hands and scatters to the winds. Everything is blurred, like my vision when I'm not wearing my contacts and no matter how I squint my eyes, I can't quite make out what the image is before me. But that's in my mind.

In reality, it's January 1, 2012. The first day of a new year, and in a way, the start of a new life.

I shake my head to dispel foggy memories and the air clears. Who I am, the place in which I find myself, and the things that I am learning in this present time are so far beyond what I could have imagined for myself. This, this thing called "my life right now," was never part of my plan for my life, and months ago I would have surely scoffed at the thought that my plans could go so terribly awry. But God chose to answer my prayers at that time. Prayers to know God more deeply, to possess a greater love for Him and knowledge of His ways. He promises to hear our prayers, He just doesn't promise to answer them in the ways we want Him to. And while my prayers were answered in a way that I would never have chosen, and it was tempting to turn to Him in anger and question His judgment, I know enough of Him to realize that there's a bigger picture that has not yet been revealed to me. And although I can't see the full tapestry that is being woven by the hands of the Master Artist, I do realize His hand is at work, and recognize that my most recent heartaches were caused, not by a cruel God, by by a loving Father who saw me weaving my own pattern and tore out my stitches before I could do more harm to myself. It's a severe mercy, aptly described by Sheldon Vanauken, a friend of C.S. Lewis, as "a mercy as severe as death, a severity as merciful as love."

I learned these past few months that when God calls Me to Himself, it's not a intangible emotion of "belonging" to Him, of shallow prayers and occasional references to some ethereal Deity I profess to know. It's a powerful, dynamic relationship where a sovereign God takes over my entire being, demanding everything from me, and tearing away elements that are foreign to His holy nature. I have experienced what it is to be a sinner in the hands of an angry and living God. And to have Him treat me not as I deserve, but grant me a fierce saving grace that requires me to change my life in conformity to His will. And that's the essence of salvation by grace, not by works, but salvation by grace that works. Works within me to refine and redefine who I am.

Elisabeth Elliot, in her book Discipline: The Glad Surrender, addresses the much-neglected concept of Christian responsibility. Much of Christendom today professes a gospel stripped of its original power. Phrases such as "Jesus loves you," "As long as your heart is in the right place," and "God wants me to be happy" open the door to a lifestyle that is devoid of holiness and the fear of God. Elliot refutes the message that you need simply repeat the words to a prayer of salvation and ka-POW, puff of smoke, and your ticket to Heaven floats down from the skies and you can go off and live your life however you want. She states, "Discipline is the believer's answer to God's call. It is the recognition, not of the solution to his problems or the supply of his needs, but of mastery...The unwillingness on the part of men and women to acknowledge their helpless dependence is a violation of our 'creatureliness,' The unwillingness to be obedient is a violation of our humanity. Both are declarations of independence and, whether physical or moral, are essentially atheistic. In both, the answer to the call is no...Discipline is the wholehearted yes to the call of God. When I know myself called, summoned, addressed, taken possession of, known, acted upon, I have heard the Master. I put myself gladly, fully, and forever at His disposal, and to whatever He says my answer is yes. "[15-16]

This past year was a year of me chasing my dreams and seizing opportunities that came my way. Looking back, I have many happy memories, but little of lasting value. In essence, I squandered my time, a precious gift from God, on things of this earth. I have learned some difficult lessons as a result of my empty pursuits, one of which is that a relationship with God is not something that you inherit, or receive by diffusion because you go to a great church or have a great family or are a generally all-around great person. Me being a nice person, a Sunday School teacher, or a persuasive evangelist has no influence on my salvation or whether or not I will spend eternity with God. The Bible makes it clear in Matthew 7:21-23 that there will be many claiming Christ as their Lord who face Him on the Day of Judgment and cry out "Lord, Lord," saying that they performed miracles and prophesied and cast out demons, and yet, what will the Lord say? Not "Great job, I'm so proud of you, you wonderful amazing person, enter in and receive your reward." On the contrary, Scripture makes it clear that these men and women will be turned away, as Christ says, "I never knew you." That's frightening to me. That's what has driven me to my knees in repentance, praying for another chance to live my life not according to man's definition of godliness, but according to the Bible's. Following in the footsteps of Christ and Christ alone.

And so this next year will be a year of learning what it means to walk as a child of God, a much humbled woman seeking what it means to be holy. I feel as though I'm starting from the very beginning, where even the "colloquial" John 3:16 has taken on a whole new meaning for me. There is a passage that several years ago I claimed as my "life's cry," and yet strove to fulfill in my own strength and ability. This coming year, I am committing to seek the strength of the Lord to make this a reality in my life, not by my strength, but by the power of God working in my heart.

“I’m part of the fellowship of the unashamed, 

the die has been cast, I have stepped over the line, 

the decision has been made:

I’m a disciple of Jesus Christ. 

I won’t look back, let up, slow down, 

back away or be still.

My past is redeemed, 

my present makes sense, 

my future is secure. 

I’m finished and done with low living, sight walking, 

smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed vision, 

worldly talking, cheap giving & dwarfed goals.

My face is set, my gait is fast, 

my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, 

my way is rough, my companions are few, 

my guide is reliable, my mission is clear. 

I won’t give up, shut up, let up 

until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up 

for the cause of Jesus Christ.

I must go till He comes, give till I drop, 

preach till everyone knows, work till He stops me

and when He comes for His own, 

He will have no trouble recognizing me 

because my banner will have been clear.”

(http://wayofthemaster.com/confession.shtml)